sirrodneytherootfandomcom-20200213-history
Out of the Frying Pan Transcript
NARRATOR Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root! SCENE 1. OUTSIDE JADE REACH. Same environment as previously. BIANKA RUN YOU IDIOTS! KEEPERS Come back here! Stop this instant! SOUND: The companions all start running KEANU We'd rather not, if that's okay! COLIN Where are we going? BIANKA I don't know, but we need to get the you know what out of here. COLIN I know what what? WAELYNN (from behind them) Incende! SOUND: A fireball flies through the air and lands near them COMPANIONS Woah!/ Ohhhh/ etc GILBERT Are they shooting fireballs at us?! CAMILLA It certainly seems like it! SOUND: Fireball again, closer this time. GILBERT Woah! CAMILLA Faendyr! Cast a portal and get us out of here! FAENDYR Oh. Oh yeah! Uh... where to? GILBERT Anywhere! FAENDYR I mean I can't do any''where, we might end up like underground or in space or something. SOUND: Another fireball GILBERT Just pick somewhere! KEEPER RICHARD Stop this instant! KEEPER WEALYNN Release the Relic! BIANKA Any time now would be great! CAMILLA ''Faendyr!! FAENDYR I CAN'T CAST A PORTAL WHEN YOU'RE YELLING AT ME! SCENE 2. EXT. KIRKLAND CASTLE. ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS. The castle grounds, afternoon. A group of goats does their goat business in an inclosure nearby. '' KING ALFRED Willis! ... Willis! Willis, I'm in the zoological gardens and I require you! Where is that man. ''Willllliiis! SOUND: Willis runs over, footsteps on gravel. WILLIS Yes, sire? KING ALFRED There you are Willis! I was calling you, what took you so long? WILLIS I was... using the facilities, sire. KING ALFRED That's no excuse. I had to wait a full fifteen seconds. WILLIS It was... urgent, sire. KING ALFRED You may not use the facilities when I require you, Willis. WILLIS But sire, you did not require me when I took my leave. KING ALFRED Well, yes I didn't need you then! But I needed you right after! WILLIS I apologize, sire. KING ALFRED In the future it would be better to just hold it in, hm? WILLIS I-- Yes, sire. It won't happen again. KING ALFRED See that it doesn't. WILLIS What do you require, your majesty? KING ALFRED Hm? WILLIS You said you needed me. KING ALFRED I did? WILLIS Yes, sire. KING ALFRED Hm. Oh! Yes! The royal goats have defecated in their enclosure. It distresses me to have to look upon such filth. Please clean it up. WILLIS I'll call the stable hand. KING ALFRED No no no. I need you ''to do it. Immediately. '''SCENE 3.' OUTSIDE JADE REACH. SOUND: Fireball, very close BIANKA Not to be dramatic, but we're going to die or worse if you don't get us out of here immediately. FAENDYR I'm working on it, okay? SOUND: Bad portal FAENDYR Nope. SOUND: Bad portal. FAENDYR Nope! SOUND: Bad portal. CAMILLA Sooner rather than later would be preferable, Faendyr! FAENDYR I can't run and cast at the same time! GILBERT Not to put any more pressure on you but that's kind of a problem because if we stop moving, we're dead. FAENDYR Well, I don't know what it is exactly you want me to do about that! KEANU My dudes, it's okay. I can distract them. You get out of here. GILBERT No Keanu, that's not an option. SOUND: Fireball, closer than it's been. COLIN Ooooh! KEANU Gil, let me do this. You guys saved me, you gave me another chance at life. Let me do the same for you. KEVIN *squeak* KEANU Keep an eye on Colin for me, Kevin! KEVIN *squeak* COLIN Keanu, what are you saying? KEANU Fly, my dudes! SOUND: Keanu runs away (towards the Keepers). KEANU (from a distance) Hey! You! Uhhh, look at me! I'm a talking unicorn! Raaaaaaaahhhhhhhh COLIN Nooooooooooooooooooo! SOUND: Portal opening. SAD MUSICAL INTERLUDE SCENE 4. EXT. KIRKLAND CASTLE. ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS. WILLIS No. KING ALFRED Excuse me? WILLIS No! KING ALFRED I'm sorry, I must not have heard what you said. WILLIS I said "no." Sire. KING ALFRED (deadly) That's what I thought. Well, well, Willis. The day has finally come. WILLIS W-what day, sire? KING ALFRED The day when you finally betray me. WILLIS Oh, no, sire. I'm not betraying you. KING ALFRED And you have the gall to deny it. This is what we have come to. WILLIS It's just that it is not my job to... to pick up... goat poop. Sire. KING ALFRED Your job is to do whatever I say it is, Willis! WILLIS I'm sorry sire, but there are some lines I will not cross. KING ALFRED I can't believe this. After everything I've ever done for you! WILLIS With respect your majesty, you haven't really done that much for me. KING ALFRED How dare ''you! I gave you a day off when your mother died! WILLIS It would have taken three days to travel to the funeral and back, sire. KING ALFRED Well that wasn't my problem! WILLIS And when my father died? KING ALFRED I had already given you the day off for your mother! What was I supposed to do? Give you ''another ''day off?! WILLIS Yes. KING ALFRED My gods. Fine. What are you going to do with me? WILLIS I'm sorry, sire? KING ALFRED Are you going to lock me up? WILLIS What? KING ALFRED Kill me? WILLIS I don't understand. KING ALFRED Well, clearly this is coup! WILLIS No, it isn't sire. I simply don't wish to handle goat droppings, that's all. KING ALFRED You have some big gall, son. Big gall. WILLIS Oh my gods. '''SCENE 5. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK.' Same environment as always. Farm animals. Brook. Etc. SOUND: PORTAL OPENS. CAMILLA Rippling Brook again? COLIN *ugly sobbing* FAENDYR You'd rather be on the bottom of the Glass Sea? You're welcome. SOUND: Fabric burning. GILBERT Faendyr? You're on fire. FAENDYR Thanks. GILBERT No, I mean you are literally on fire. FAENDYR Wonderful! Fantastic! This is an antique, you know. SOUND: He pats it out. BIANKA You okay? FAENDYR No, I'm not okay! And neither is Keanu! COLIN *wailing* FAENDYR Bianka must have told them I have a Relic! They know I have Fleshy! BIANKA I didn't! I swear to the gods, I didn't tell them. CAMILLA We need to figure out what we're going to do. FAENDYR You believe her??! CAMILLA I have no reason not to. FAENDYR EXCUSE ME? Then what was that back there? GILBERT Calm down. FAENDYR Don't tell me to calm down, Gil! GILBERT I'm sorry. FAENDYR I thought you of all people were on my side! GILBERT I am ''on your side. You're just acting a little strange. FAENDYR You know what? Screw this. SOUND: He casts a portal GILBERT Faendyr, wait! Don't go. FAENDYR I'm out. GILBERT Faendyr! Please! SOUND: The portal closes. GILBERT Oh come on! CAMILLA Well that was a bit much, I must say. Even for Faendyr. COLIN Where did he go? GILBERT How should I know?! ... I'm sorry, Colin. I shouldn't have snapped at you. COLIN It's okay. We're all upset right now. BIANKA I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for it to go down like this. GILBERT So. What do we do now? Keanu is gone. And Faendyr is who-knows-where with the staff. We have nothing. We were so close! And now it's all gone. We've failed Rodney. ''I failed Rodney. CAMILLA Gil, none of this is your fault. GILBERT I could have done something. I should have stayed behind instead of Keanu. Then none of this would have happened. CAMILLA You don't know that. BIANKA Actually... here. GILBERT What's this? BIANKA It's the Hungering Band. I switched it with another box. Keeper Richard had it in his pocket like an idiot. CAMILLA When? BIANKA When we were talking. CAMILLA How? BIANKA I told you I'm good. SOUND: Gil OPENS the box. A menacing hum. GILBERT Gods, this stuff makes me uncomfortable. SOUND: He CLOSES it. The hum stops. KEVIN *squeak* BIANKA I know it doesn't fix all our problems. But at least it's something. COLIN And Kevin says he has some of Keanu's hair. (choked up) He used it to make a nest. CAMILLA Thank you, Kevin. KEVIN *squeaks* COLIN He says you're welcome. BIANKA Hey kid. I'm sure Keanu is okay. The Keepers wouldn't hurt a unicorn. COLIN I hope you're right. BIANKA I know I am. GILBERT (sotto) Really? BIANKA (sotto) No. GILBERT (sotto) Oh. CAMILLA We're only a day from Fools Haven. I say we give Gwendolyn what we have and regroup at the Capital. GILBERT I have a feeling she's not going to be too happy about us not having the staff. CAMILLA Well, there's nothing we can do about that right now. And I don't think Faendyr will stay away for too long. I'm sure he'll come back when he's cooled off. GILBERT I don't know. He seemed really upset. CAMILLA Don't be dense. He fancies you, Gil. He'll be back. GILBERT What about the unicorn for King Alfred? That's the whole reason we're on this crazy, labyrinthine quest. CAMILLA If you recall, my original plan was to affix a cattle horn onto a horse. He'll never know the difference. SOUND: Horse WHINNY BIANKA Speaking of unicorns... CAMILLA Wait a moment. That looks like one of Peerless' horses. GILBERT Could be. He rents land in the country to graze them. CAMILLA Even better. Shall we? COLIN Hail and well met, friend! SOUND: HORSE WHINNY COLIN Likewise. How would you like to be a unicorn? SOUND: Walking up HEAD VILLAGER Hail and well met-- Oh no! No no no. How are you back? Please, go away! GILBERT Give it a rest, we're leaving. CAMILLA But not because you said so! We were leaving before you said anything. HEAD VILLAGER Wait, you can't take that horse, it belongs to Lord Peerless! CAMILLA Perfect. HEAD VILLAGER He'll be very mad! BIANKA That sounds like more of a "you" problem. HEAD VILLAGER Oh. Okay. SOUND: Horse whinny COLIN You're right, he is a pushover. SCENE 6. EXT. KIRKLAND CASTLE. ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS. Sound: Same as before, but the goats are louder. KING ALFRED Well, Willis! What now? You've imprisoned me in the goats' enclosure. Come, don't be a pushover! WILLIS I did no such thing, sire. You locked yourself in there. KING ALFRED To escape from you, you mad man! WILLIS Please sire, come out of there. KING ALFRED I shan't. WILLIS Please, sire. KING ALFRED The goats are my subjects now. SOUND: Goat bleats. KING ALFRED I've named this one Lord Willis. WILLIS (wounded) You've made him a lord? KING ALFRED Yes, because he would never betray me unlike some people I could mention! SOUND: Plop. KING ALFRED Oh. Oh dear. Lord Willis has relieved himself on the royal slippers. WILLIS Perhaps you should ask him to clean it up. KING ALFRED I'm sure he will. WILLIS I have no doubt, sire. After all, you made him a lord. KING ALFRED Lord Willis, clean up your... droppings. SOUND: Bleat. WILLIS It appears that he refuses, sire. KING ALFRED Lord Willis! I command you! SOUND: Munching. KING ALFRED No, Lord Willis! I didn't say eat my robe. Oh dear. WILLIS He's a hungry fella. KING ALFRED Willis-- WILLIS Me, or the goat, sire? KING ALFRED You! Obviously! I have grown tired of ruling these goats. I have decided to abdicate this throne and return to ruling Kirkland. SOUND: He tries to open the gate, but it's locked. KING ALFRED Hm. The gate won't open. WILLIS That's because you locked it, sire. And gave me the key. KING ALFRED Well well well. We meet again, my old adversary. WILLIS Please, sire. KING ALFRED I will have to think of what to do with you when I get out of here. WILLIS But, sire! I've done nothing wrong! KING ALFRED Oh! Oh! Nothing! WILLIS Sire, may I humbly suggest a compromise? KING ALFRED A king does not compromise with lower-borns. SOUND: Plop. KING ALFRED Very well, I'm listening. WILLIS In exchange for you magnanimously forgiving my indiscretion-- KING ALFRED You mean your heartless coup. WILLIS My... (sigh) heartless coup... I will give you the key. KING ALFRED Hm. What's in it for me? SOUND: Munch. KING ALFRED Ah yes. I see. Very well, Willis. I accept your terms. WILLIS Here you are, sire. SOUND: Key dropping. KING ALFRED Ooops. SOUND: Munching. KING ALFRED Lord Willis! Nooooooooooooooo! WILLIS He appears to have eaten the key, sire. KING ALFRED I can see that!!! WILLIS It would seem that you're stuck in there with the goats, sire. I'm sure Lord Willis will help you. KING ALFRED I doubt it! He betrayed me. WILLIS That is... unless... KING ALFRED Unless, what Willis? WILLIS If you make me ''Lord Willis, I will get the spare key from the stable hand. KING ALFRED I can just call for the stable hand myself. WILLIS Well, yes, sire, you could. That is if she weren't avoiding you. KING ALFRED Whatever for? WILLIS She's worried you will rename her like you did Billy. KING ALFRED What's her name? WILLIS Jennifer, sire. KING ALFRED What kind of name is that?! Ah. I see. Willis. I have an idea. If I grant you the title of Lord, will you get the spare key? WILLIS Hm. I don't know, sire... KING ALFRED I'll even start paying you! WILLIS Very well, sire... If you ''insist. SCENE 7. EXT. OUTSIDE GWENDOLYN'S HUT. GILBERT Well. This is it. Gwendolyn's... hut. Is it rude to call it a hut? Oh gods I hope she can't hear me. KEVIN *squeak* SOUND: Horse WHINNY COLIN Kevin doesn't like this place. And neither does Genevieve. GILBERT Who is Genevieve? SOUND: HORSE WHINNY GILBERT Of course. BIANKA Don't worry Colin. Camilla and Gil can talk to the witch. We'll wait back here, okay? COLIN Okay... CAMILLA Well. Shall we? GILBERT After you. CAMILLA No, after you. GILBERT Please, I insist. BIANKA Oh my gods. I'll do it. SOUND: Bianka WALKS up to the door. KNOCKS. It creaks open immediately. BIANKA Oh gods. GWENDOLYN Hiya! SOUND: Gilbert walks up, Camilla follows. GILBERT Hello... um, ma'am. GWENDOLYN Oh! It's you! Took you long enough. CAMILLA Yes, well, we ran into some... complications. GWENDOLYN Adventuring is like that, isn't it? Nothin' worth doin' is ever easy! ... What happened to the tall one with the hair? Oh! Was he turned into a dwarf? BIANKA No, ma'am. I'm Bianka. I'm a completely different person. GWENDOLYN Ah. You're in trouble, aren't you? BIANKA I hope not. GWENDOLYN Oh no, you are. Better watch your back. That is, unless you want it to get stabbed. BIANKA Um, okay. GWENDOLYN And I mean literally stabbed. BIANKA Okay. GWENDOLYN Until you die. BIANKA Thanks. GWENDOLYN From being stabbed. BIANKA No, I... I get it. I'm gonna... I'm gonna check on Colin. COLIN (from further back) Kevin and I are fine! GWENDOLYN Stab stab. To death. BIANKA Better check anyway. SOUND: Bianka quickly WALKS away. GILBERT Here, Gwendolyn, this is for you. GWENDOLYN Oh! Oh ho! Come to mama! SOUND: She opens the box. A menacing hum. GWENDOLYN Mm. Sorry sweetie, I just see a ring here... and a rat's nest? GILBERT It's, um, unicorn hair. GWENDOLYN Where's the staff? CAMILLA That's all we are able to give you at this time. SOUND: Box snapping shut. GWENDOLYN That's... hm. That's a wee bit problematic for me. GILBERT There were extenuating circumstances. GWENDOLYN A deal's a deal, bucko. CAMILLA We'll get the staff. GWENDOLYN Where is it? CAMILLA We're not exactly sure at this particular moment. GWENDOLYN Well ya better hop to it then, Missy! The longer this takes, the harder it is for me to return that fish to human form. GILBERT Root. GWENDOLYN I don't follow. Anywho, if you would please get off my doorstep I have some really important persons I'm distilling. GILBERT Do you mean potions? GWENDOLYN No. SOUND: Door SLAM. CAMILLA I'm very tired of people slamming doors in our faces. SOUND: Door creaks OPEN. GWENDOLYN And don't come back until you have the staff! SOUND: Slam. SOUND: Bianka and Colin join them. BIANKA She's... charming. CAMILLA Let's get this horse to my father. I'm dying for a warm bath. COLIN I thought the horse was for the king? CAMILLA My father is the king. COLIN Wait... does that mean you're a princess? GILBERT Come on, Colin. SCENE 8. INT. THRONE ROOM. Reminicant of earlier episodes: courtiers mingle and talk about cheese, a harpsicord plays. The door opens, and the Companions approach. '' KING ALFRED Ah, welcome home, Camilla! CAMILLA Hello, Father. KING ALFRED Everyone look! The Princess has returned home! KING ALFRED And my third best knight, Gilbert! And dear, dear Sir Rodney! How is he? GILBERT He's... um, fine. KING ALFRED Still a stick, I see. CAMILLA We're working on it. KING ALFRED But where is the bard? CAMILLA, GILBERT AND BIANKA Oh yeah. COLIN Whomst? CAMILLA He died. Very painfully too, I might add. SOUND: The new bard, startled, stops playing with a crash of notes. KING ALFRED Ah well. It isn't as if bards aren't thick on the ground. Lord Willis! Put out a hiring notice. WILLIS Yes, sire. CAMILLA "Lord" Willis? KING ALFRED Yes, I've given him a title. CAMILLA Whatever for? KING ALFRED It's... a long story. Did Master Faendyr die too? COLIN Maybe? GILBERT No. BIANKA Hey, princess didn't you want to tell your father something important about him? About his... job? CAMILLA It turns out that Master Faendyr... He's on an important arcane research expedition. BIANKA Mm 'kay. KING ALFRED Ooooh! Jeffrey will be so jealous. And who might you be? BIANKA I'm Bianka Coalbrand. At your service. And just let me know if you need anything stolen. Not to brag, but I'm really good. KING ALFRED Mistress Coalbrand, would you perhaps be able to steal a castle? I'm... asking for a friend. BIANKA Like an entire building? KING ALFRED Obviously. BIANKA ... No. KING ALFRED Too bad. How about a herd of cattle? BIANKA Yeah, I could swing that. KING ALFRED Perfect! Write that down, Lord Willis! WILLIS Yes, sire. COLIN Hail and well met, friend! I'm Colin. I'm one hundred and seven! KING ALFRED You're very small for your age. Are you a gnome? COLIN Yes. GILBERT No, sire. He's a human child. COLIN I was kidnapped by faeries! KING ALFRED Oh, congratulations! SOUND: WHINNY KING ALFRED But what's this? CAMILLA It's a unicorn, father. KING ALFRED It is? GILBERT Of course, sire. Note the horn. BIANKA Now, was there a reward, or...? COLIN I like to think the real reward was the friends we made along the way. BIANKA Don't take this the wrong way Colin, but please shut up. KING ALFRED I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but I'm afraid you've been duped. GILBERT Uh... CAMILLA That's not possible. KING ALFRED I know this is embarrassing, yikes. But this is but a common ''Equus caballus with a horn stuck on with spirit gum. GILBERT Oh my gods. COLIN Ooooooh! KING ALFRED Well, better luck next time. BIANKA Yikes. CAMILLA I can't believe this. GILBERT I don't think this day could possibly get any worse. SOUND: The door is thrown open, and Peerless approaches, his chainmaille rattling as he walks. KING ALFRED Oh! Lord Peerless! COURTIERS (oooh Lord Peerless) KING ALFRED No need to worry, the Princess has returned home of her own accord! LORD PEERLESS Why does one of my horses have a horn glued to its head? CAMILLA None of your business. LORD PEERLESS It's literally my business. GILBERT Jimothy. LORD PEERLESS Gilbert. LORD PEERLESS Why do you wear a stick on your personage clothed in Sir Rodney's coat of arms? GILBERT It's a root. LORD PEERLESS You didn't answer my question. But you matter little in the scheme of things. Willis! Send for a cleric. I shall marry Camilla immediately. COURTIERS (surprised murmuring) WILLIS Very well, Lord Peerless. CAMILLA Willis! You shall do no such thing! WILLIS Yes, Princess Camilla. LORD PEERLESS Willis! Listen to me! WILLIS Uhhh... CAMILLA I am the Crown Princess, Willis!! WILLIS Mmmm... uh... LORD PEERLESS Willis! Get. The. Cleric! WILLIS I can't handle all this pressure! CAMILLA I'd rather you die than we wed. LORD PEERLESS Usually it's "I'd rather die" CAMILLA Yes. You would ''rather die. Because I will kill you myself. BIANKA Sorry, handsome, sounds like the lady ''really isn't interested. LORD PEERLESS Who are you? BIANKA Your worst nightmare. KING ALFRED I'm sure you're eager for your nuptials, Lord Peerless, but only the king may decide when the crown princess shall wed. LORD PEERLESS As loath as I am to admit it, you are correct. However, there is a technicality I must mention. I'' am the king now. COURTIERS (shocked murmuring) CAMILLA How dare you! KING ALFRED No, silly, I'm the king-- oh wait, I see what's going on! This is a coup, right? Hm. This is a bit awkward. You see, we ''just had a whole side plot about one. WILLIS No, we didn't! Sire. KING ALFRED And unfortunately because Lord Willis already did that this episode, you can't have one now. LORD PEERLESS Oh, but I am. CAMILLA You and whose army? SOUND: MECHANICAL marching. COURTIERS (frightened noises) LORD PEERLESS This one. COLIN Oooooh! I know what those are! They're automatons! CAMILLA Very well, I will admit it was rather troupe-y of me to challenge you like that. I'm not sure what else I expected to happen. WILLIS With respect sire, this is what a coup looks like. KING ALFRED Huh. Well, I don't like it. SOUND: Gil draws his sword. GILBERT Stay behind me, Colin. SOUND: Bianka readies her crossbow LORD PEERLESS Automatons, seize them! BARD Now this is entertainment! Will the Companions escape the clutches of perfect Peerless and his metal machines? Will Rodney ever get out of that root? Will Gil ever see Faendyr and his Fleshy again?? To find out, tune in next season for more of THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT! CREDITS The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Daniel Johnston, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Bridgette Saverine, Brian Lyons Burke, David Dubov, Nicholas Temple, Andrew Quilpa, Courtney Branch, Stacy Kruml, and Laura Zheng. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter and Laura Zheng. Original music by Michael Reilly. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supporters. Support the show and get exclusive rewards in return by visitng patreon.com/talkingfish. Connect with us on social media @TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show informtion at talkingfishpodcasts.com. SCENE 9. EXT. A MARSH. KEANU Woooooah. Dude. Where am I? What happened? Man. I must have wiped out biiig ''time. I wonder... SOUND: He stumbles and splashes in the water. KEANU Yep. Looks like I'm still a unicorn. ''Niiiiiiice! OUTTAKE LENA We're--- we're only a ---- ''(raspberry noise) ''We're only a day from Why can't I speak suddenly?! Well, we're only a day from.... (Interface/Automaton voice:) Fools. Haven.